This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
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My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.