You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
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Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
War & Peace
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up