I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.