My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
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My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
I have never related to a cat more
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.