Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
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Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I have so many questions.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.