found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
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[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Letās just say I didnāt know it was a sock, and Iām happy to report Iāve set a new long jump world record.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper itās just never gonna work.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
When I tell a joke that doesnāt land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” š
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
When the zombies finally come, Iām putting āORGANICā stickers on all the vegans…
Yāknow, to buy myself some time.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we werenāt supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didnāt eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …whereās Adam?
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!š¤£š¤£š¤£
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.