If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
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Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Go hard or stay average
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.