Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
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Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Can. I. Help. You.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*