With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
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*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion