Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
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*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
is this meant to deter me
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily