Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
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[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Wise advice
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together