if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Hmmmmm
This is a sub tweet
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.