The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
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I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is