[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
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Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first