Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
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…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
me hitting on a model
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*