My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
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The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
This guy’s not having it 😆
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”