Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
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[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.