This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
You Might Also Like
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
I’m not lazy
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
house sitting!
shampoo implies shampee
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?