STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
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Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”