What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
You Might Also Like
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.