Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
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Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.