Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
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In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
A wise man once said nothing.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
The Backseat Boys
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)