Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
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I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Imma just leave this here…………
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Twitter is an abusement park.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?