looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
You Might Also Like
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.