I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
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Fabio hasn’t aged a day
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
mechanics be like
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!