Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
You Might Also Like
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it