Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
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Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
plums roundup
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
CUTE CAT‼︎
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
The asteroid..
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.