Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
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Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Truth
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
reviewed some movies recently
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?