“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
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I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT