Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
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When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.