Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
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9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air