Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
You Might Also Like
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale