Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
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Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.