*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
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Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
This is the coolest video you will see today.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Worth remembering.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.