her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
You Might Also Like
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.