Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
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i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.