I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
True?
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.