What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
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Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.