Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
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I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I was just discussing this with my cat
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle