I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
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I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
oh my gosh!!
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
also my go-to takeaway order
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!