Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
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me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Siri: Retweet me.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*