My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
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It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Lmao the reply
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Lucky old June.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.