[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
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Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.