The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
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If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Life is a suicide mission.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
just got my engagement photos
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.