Golf would be better with landmines.
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My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open