In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
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For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic