Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
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“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Yes, this is exactly right
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
i- i did not expect this
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.