When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
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Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one