Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
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To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.