“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
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Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
No selfies while hijacking a train.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.